6 Months

Last night I had the strongest urge to drink since I stopped 6 months ago. I was told by some of the folks in my support group that 3, 6 and 9 months are the most difficult. I heard what they said but I didn't really resonate with the concept. There is a part of me that is quite delusional, you see, hence some of my rather maladaptive behavior patterns. After finishing a rather challenging but very rewarding painting contract I came so close to driving myself to a liquor store and feeding the thirsty monster inside me I was shaking. I called a friend from my recovery program and declared that "I needed to make a plan". That means "HELP"! After a long walk and a good talk I calmed down significantly but was still longing to escape reality. This is when I find addiction most interesting. My life is going better than it has for more than a decade. It is an insidious desire to hurt myself that must be responsible for wanting to escape reality when reality has become so pleasurable. During our walk my friend reminded me of the HALT acronym that we use in our program: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I stopped for something to eat after leaving his company. Well, a fast food hamburger never tasted so good. I savored every bite as I watched an extremely sweet animation called "Up"...there went any anger I was grasping onto. Soon, I was off to bed to take care of the fourth commandment. So simple. HALT.

The lovely customer I had just finished working for knew of my recent life changes and had given me a bloodstone and a rose quartz in a little pouch. She told me that if I slept with them under my pillow they would help me with my courage and resolve to abstain from my self destructive behaviors. When I climbed into bed I grabbed that pouch and grasped it so tightly under my pillow that my fingers went numb. And then I cried... with relief, with gratitude, with love.

This morning I awoke very early to the sounds of the birds singing outside my window. I reached out and caressed my beautiful canine companion and felt joy in my heart and peace in my soul. I continue on my homeward journey.